TL;DR: “Help me understand” often isn’t curiosity—it’s a power move disguised as one. Practitioners can reclaim it by spotting the tell, reframing the trap, and using genuine curiosity to turn the phrase back into connection instead of control.
1. The Innocent Mask
On the surface, “help me understand” sounds collaborative. It drapes itself in curiosity. It pretends to be Socratic. A manager says it in a meeting, head tilted, pen poised, and you’d think: finally, someone interested in listening.
But inside change work, the phrase has become a tell. A poker tell. It often signals the opposite of curiosity. What’s coming isn’t openness—it’s a cross-examination.
2. The Real Translation
When leaders or stakeholders say “help me understand,” here’s what they often mean:
- Convince me you’re not wrong.
- Defend your work so I can poke holes in it.
- I’ve already decided, but I want you to sweat first.
In practice, the phrase slides from a bridge into a trap. The person being asked has to perform, defend, and justify—often under the guise of “dialogue.”
This is why so many practitioners flinch when they hear it. They’ve learned it isn’t an invitation to share, it’s a warning shot.
3. Why It Matters in Change Work
Language sets the tone of change. Leaders who weaponize curiosity erode trust. Every time “help me understand” is used as code for “I don’t buy it,” people retreat. They stop sharing early warnings, they sugarcoat the data, and they nod along while quietly disengaging.
Change stalls not because the plan was bad, but because no one feels safe surfacing the real story.
4. The Resistance Response
Practitioners are not powerless here. There are three tactical moves:
- Name the dynamic (gently):
“Happy to walk through this—are you looking for background or for gaps I might be missing?” - Reframe the power play:
Treat it as a chance to explore together, not defend against.
“Here’s what I’m seeing. What patterns are you noticing?” - Flip the script:
Use the phrase back at them—but mean it.
“Help me understand what success looks like from your chair.”
By reclaiming the phrase with actual curiosity, we put the mask back on the shelf and make it mean something again.
5. A Field Report from the Front
One practitioner told me she banned the phrase from her team’s vocabulary entirely. The replacement? “Walk me through it.” A subtle shift, but it changed everything. Instead of a trap, it became an opening. Instead of defending, people narrated. And narration makes it harder to deny the reality on the ground.
Sometimes resistance isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about reclaiming everyday language.
Final Thought
In change, we pay close attention to the words that shape our work. “Help me understand” can be a tool of control or a tool of connection. The choice is in how we use it—and whether we let others use it against us.
ChangeGuild: Power to the Practitioner™
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Isn’t “help me understand” just a polite way of asking for more information?
A: Sometimes. But in practice, it’s often used as a velvet-gloved demand for justification. Tone and intent matter more than the words.
Q: Why does this phrase bother so many practitioners?
A: Because they’ve seen the pattern: the phrase cues a defense, not dialogue. It rarely leads to co-creation—it usually leads to critique.
Q: How can I tell if “help me understand” is being weaponized?
A: Look for context. If it follows skepticism, sighs, or crossed arms, it’s a trap. If it’s paired with genuine curiosity and listening, it can be useful.
Q: What should I do if a leader uses it in the negative way?
A: Defuse the power dynamic. Clarify what they’re asking for, reframe the conversation, and share observations as co-exploration rather than defense.
Q: Can practitioners reclaim the phrase?
A: Yes—but only by using it with sincerity. Ask leaders and colleagues to “help me understand” their success criteria, their fears, or their aspirations, and mean it.
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